1.Taking the stance to not celebrate all holidays is a big waste of time, grouch. Especially because you think that all holidays originate from pagan traditions and you are most certainly NOT about to go along with pagan practices. Welcome to 2012, negative Nancy.
2. Seriously? You’re not going to take this free candy I’m offering you.
3. Oh, I am SO sorry. You’re right. Your life is so incredibly hard and I’m just making it worse by offering you candy in cute little boxes and Batman temporary tattoos. Excuse me for being so inconsiderate.
4. Hallmark isn’t the scum of the earth, you know. They actually spread lots of joy with their greeting cards.
5. I mean, really?
6. Thank you, sweet little eighty-four year old Marilyn for coming in my lab and asking to have one of the little paper hearts I’m assembling. I’d be more than happy to give you one.
7. Disliking the color pink is not a reason to hate Valentine’s day.
8. My plans for tonight? I have a hot date with my British Enlightenment class, actually. I think we might go out for tea or something. Thanks for asking.
9. Yes, yes I did spend my entire morning at work making paper Valentines decorations. My boss did ask me to do so, but I was more than happy to oblige. As a matter of fact, I even happened to have some embroidery floss and a needle in my backpack and I just made this cute heart garland hanging on the desk in front of me. Have a great day.
10. Will you accept this candy if I wrap it in black paper and write “this is NOT-valentine’s day candy” on it?
11. Nope, I’m not pro-Valentine’s day as a single person because it’s a day for me to reflect on God’s wonderful love for me. That’s not it. But, I’m happy that you have a reason to celebrate today though.
13. Oh, you think everyday should be about showing love and that having one single day to do so is useless. Wow, did you come up with that yourself? So creative. Really, I’m impressed.
14. I asked if you would like a Batman Valentine, not if you’d like to sell your soul to the Devil.
15. It makes my Valentine’s Day knowing that I just made yours.
16. No, the printer doesn’t hate you because it’s Valentine’s day. You just don’t know what you’re doing.
17. Just, no. Go…away. Please.
18. Yes, I did learn how to make those from Pinterest! They’re super easy. I can show you how, if you’d like.
19. No, no boyfriend.
20. Passive aggressive? Yeah, I guess I am a bit passive aggressive.
21. I’m not really sure why you would want to flaunt your aloneness in such a public way. I’d rather be a part of the group of people that attempts to celebrate despite that unavoidable feeling of wanting something more.
22. I wish all of this was easier too.
23. I really love you, okay.
I’ll be updating this list as the day goes on. Feel free to add your snarky comments or if you care to give me a valid reason for being unnecessarily bitter about Valentine’s day so that I can understand the hostility I’m facing at work, I’d entertain the possibility of discourse. Oh, and Happy Valentines Day.