Relevant, Remembering

I don’t wish to live merely surviving

Is it okay to admit that I’m quite sad tonight?
That the fragile feeling I’ve done my best to push away is unavoidable in this moment?
That I feel frivolous and weak when I want to feel justified and strong?

I biked through a cold wind tonight, one I hadn’t seen in some time. Not an old friend, not at all, but an all too familiar scent. A wind that shakes your windows the way thunder does, a wind that startles and breathes and screams, and you’re certain this time you’ll blow away.

I hate the way it ambushes you, not a bit of warning at all. Cruelly unexpected though you should have expected it all along. I hate the way a song can bring about tears that make you forget how to breath, and you wonder if you’ll be able to hold your breath long enough to survive, until you do. You play it again and again, the song and the moment and the remembering how to breath. And again and again, you survive. We survive.

It’s as though somehow you knew I would need this tonight.

Thank you.


3 thoughts on “I don’t wish to live merely surviving

  1. Julia Moen says:

    Babygirl…I definitely spent from a good two hours tonight sitting in my bed writing and reading and crying and remembering. It does just come, doesn’t it? But once the lungs and chest open and remember to breathe again-you’re right-we survive. I did take a leaf out of your (and Victoria’s) book and wrote tonight. It helped. I love you so, so much!

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