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How to Pretend to Be a Grown up

Inspired by Thought Catalog, last night, and basically every night of my life right now. 

How to Pretend to Be a Grown up

Never use the word “Grown up.” Instead, insist on saying “adult” or the more superior alternative, “aa-dult.” Host dinner parties. Insist on calling yourself a host or hostess. Obsess over the color scheme of the place settings of your table. Pretend that you have an extensive enough dish ware collection for any actual color scheme deliberation and not a small set of granny dishes you picked up at the thrift store. Snag cooking wine from your parents’ house. After all, you aren’t old enough to buy cooking wine. Cook a complicated meal that you spend far too much money on and offer disclaimers such as, “Now, you don’t have to like it…” and “I’ve never made this before so if you don’t like it, it won’t hurt my feelings…” Think about how nice it would be to be sautéing onions next to someone, not because you have a cute picture in your head of how nice that would be, but because you want to know what that feeling of really knowing someone is like. Insist that you’re not lonely and that you love being a strong, independent woman. That spirited Kate Nash song plays in your head as you try to think of reasons why you love that you’re alone and that no one is next to you at that moment. You can’t.  Feel accomplished when you manage not to burn/undercook/ruin the meal. Feel even more accomplished that it’s actually pretty damn good. Drink a little too much crappy wine your friends bring in wine glasses you bought at Target that day. Try to make polite conversation with an unfriendly person. Realize that he/she does not have the same goal of making polite conversation with you (even though he/she invited himself/herself into your apartment). Give up and drink more crappy wine. Try to avoid looking at your PDA-loving friend. Repulsive. Realize that your idea of fun no longer involves causing a scene or gaining the attention of strangers by singing and/or screaming and/or being rude. Drink more crappy wine. Talk about school and work and how you have thirty-seven tests and sixty-nine papers to write this week and pretend like you understand what responsibility is. Don’t think about how it doesn’t even compare to the responsibility of being completely financially independent of your parents, being a spouse, having a 9-5 job, paying for car insurance, or all of the things actually being an aa-dult entails. Realize that pretending to be an adult is much better than actually being one. Realize washing dishes is much more difficult after crappy wine. Spend far too long washing dishes and cleaning your kitchen after your crappy friends leave without helping. Sleep until eleven. Be thankful that you’re not actually an adult and you don’t have a pounding headache the next day. Thanks, crappy wine.

 

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