Via SoulPancake

How aggressively are you going to sieze the day? What’s your personal threshold for risk?

I know I’ve written about this so many times already, but I don’t care at this particularly late moment in time. I read a good handful of responses on this SoulPancake post earlier and realized that I live with a similar amount of caution as many of them. An unreasonable, experience-prohibiting amount of caution and fear. Ease, happiness, comfort. Yep, sounds about right. And many of the people who responded saying they are more open to risk-taking often provided examples of how they do so. Crazy daredevil stunts, career choices, travelling, moving to new places, etc.

And while all of those things are difficult, I think risk-taking is so much more complicated than heights and new things. Instead of skydiving, eating ridiculously spicy foods, and applying for a job you have no chance in getting, risk-taking is about recognizing the fears that keep you from taking those risks and actively choosing to conquer them.

I’m afraid of rejection, of people leaving me, of hurting. I’m afraid of needing someone too much, of giving in because it’s easier than asking questions. I’m afraid I’ll fail you. I’m afraid I’ll be stuck here, I’m afraid I’ll never be enough. I’m afraid I’ll lose you. I’m afraid I won’t ever know myself, I’m afraid that I’ll be unloved, I’m afraid that I’m too weak. I’m afraid of change, I’m afraid we’ll change, I’m afraid I won’t ever change.

I’m pretty sure I’ve used this before, but if you’ve ever read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, this might sound familiar.

 “And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.”

That’s what I want, to feel infinite.


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