Reflection, Remembering

As We Try to Let Go, The Earth (still) Laughs in Flowers

I can’t recall every day of my existence, but today was easily the most heartbreaking, horrifying, and terribly sad day of my eighteen years and eleven months of living. I’ve had family members pass. It’s a different kind of difficult. We watch the news stories over and over again, like we did the 9-11 attacks; just to make sure all of this is really happening.
It is.
And then when we watch the interviews, it’s surreal that we knew that girl. These kinds of things don’t happen to us. Our Lily?  The one with the smile and the light, the love and the joy, evident from a thirty second clip that doesn’t even begin to do her life and her tragic end justice. It’s surreal to think I know that family, I know those youth ministers they interviewed, I know that school, I know those kids, I know that face. It’s not just a photograph with a tragic story attached, it’s a loss of a beautiful being.

When people die, I think we seek some sort of reason or explanation, anything real to grasp onto in their absence. I ask. I ask why. Why this young woman? Why this family? Why this way? Why this time? Why this month? Why this circumstance? Why us? Why you? Why?

I think back to the last time I saw the person or heard their voice. With my grandparents, I knew it was coming, I went through the emotions and prepared myself as best as one can, and it hurts momentously when the time comes, but you expect it. I told my grandfather ‘I love you’ every time I talked to him anticipating that that moment might be the last time I hear his voice. The last time I saw Lily was before I left her going-away party. I recall complaining about how much I hate saying ‘goodbye’ and find it useless and unnecessarily difficult for an action that accomplishes nothing. I believe we had a “see you later/no big” goodbye and that was it. How do you anticipate this? You can’t. I just wish, I just wish, I just wish…

And we sit around, wondering what to say to each other, accepting the waves of emotions as they come and comforting each other when they do. Unreal.

I’m having trouble accepting that she’s not here with us. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s not going to come walking through that door with her curly hair and cup of coffee. And all I can think of is how much time I wasted. I was counting on years. I want those years. Years to say “I’m sorry.” Years to tell, share, and live and give and grow together because I wasted so many years being selfish and resentful. I was counting on years. I want my years back.

I can’t sit here and be
happy
that she’s in a better place.
I can’t sit here and
pretend
like we’re going to move on
just as quickly as she
left.
Snap.
Gone.
There’s not putting on a
smile
and saying,
it’s okay, she’s going to be with us
always.
I can’t sit here and
pray
and know that everything will get
better.

I can be.
I can cry.
I can reflect.
I can remember
her joy.
I can be
hopeful
for better days.
I can be thankful.
I can be love.

“I am an old woman; I am a young girl. I’m as strong as a hurricane; I’m as weak as a whisper. I’m engulfed in the darkness, in a perpetual blackness…. I’m a blaze of the glory of radiant light. I am Life.”
Thank you, Lily Rose.

Bottled up
Felt the pain before but not this much
Oh my God, it’s real.
How will I ever heal?

Here are your new eyes
It’s time to see a life with brand new sight
How could I now ever see
Positively?

It’s hard trying to hold on
With all that I have lost
It all seems so wrong
But I trust you, oh God.

It’s hard to know
When I’ll recover fully it might be slow
And what would I ever do
If I did not have you

To hold me back
From throwing in the towel and not looking back
On everything you have done
And what you’ve overcome

It’s hard trying to hold on
With all that I have lost
It all seems so wrong
But I trust in you, oh God.

So will you hold me?
As I’m crushed, my heart is in pieces
And although I’m strong when I bleed
Right now, I’m just too weak

Peace, come over you
Peace, come over you.
Feel the peace come over you
It’s all you have to do

Advertisements
Standard

2 thoughts on “As We Try to Let Go, The Earth (still) Laughs in Flowers

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s