Day fifty-seven

Numbness. Feeling so much that the only emotion you can express with words is numbness.
I’m terrified of dying. It may be a rational fear, or not. It’s not just paranoia or stress, I am truly terrified of death. Sometimes it’s an overwhelming feeling, a thought that comes to me as I’m trying to fall asleep. I’ve learned to push the thought away, avoiding the hurt that just thinking about what it would be like to die. What would it feel like? Will I be ready? Who will I be leaving behind? Where will I go? I undoubtedly believe in a heaven, that’s one thing I’m confident of. But I’m terrified. I don’t know what other word to use. It makes me so anxious that my stomach hurts. So I choose not to let those thoughts wander. I’ve gotten pretty good at it too. I’m a coward for hiding from my thoughts, I know.

In Christ’s presence, a beautiful family, tears and smile, we struggle. We hold eachother to comfort not because something is wrong, but because everything is so right. Perfection. It hurts to let go of yourself, to let go of this world, in every sense. It’s easy for me to be ruled by my guilt, to feel unworthy, insufficient; and broken. He makes all things new. Our hearts when they yearn for healing, he mends. That infinite feeling, my friends. You know what? I think devoting my life to be love, always, is just the kind of crazy I’ve been looking for.

I feel so small. That I am a very small, but essential, part of something so great that it is unfathomable. Indescribable, unbreakable, awe-struck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim. You are amazing, God.

Numbness. Wordless. Blessed beyond reason.


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