Day Thirty-Nine

Sometimes I get smacked in the face with a big “you’re part of something bigger than you realize” and today was that way. Nothing extraordinary happened, it just comes and reminds me when I forget. My life, the things I say, the things I believe, the things I choose to do, the way I choose to lead my life, are my own. Maybe you can relate, maybe you agree, maybe you feel that we’re similar, but we’re not the same. The more I learn about what matters most to me, about what is an essential part of who I am, the more I want you to not claim those things as your own, the more I want to be anything but you. How can I even pretend that I’m an individual who is confident with the person she is when you keep telling me what a cookie-cutter version of yourself I am. We’re not the same. You might think we’re the same, but we’re not. You don’t hear the same words, receive the same glances, care the same way, or pray for the same things as I do. We’re not the same. I’m a part of something so much bigger than myself, but I’m a vital part. I, myself, with my own thoughts and words, are a vital part of this. You, with your thoughts and your own words and your own beliefs and your own knowledge, gained from your own experiences, the words you hear, and the glances you receive, are vital too, or I like to think so even when you’re not so sure. I’m not you. I don’t want to be you. I want to be me. I want to know who that is more than anything. I want to know so that I can be myself, and be that vital part of that thing that is so much bigger than me. Stop telling me you get it, that you know me. Stop trying to stop me. Stop letting me make excuses.

So, I just read what I wrote moments ago, and realize that I sound like an annoying teenager who just sits in her room in cries about frivolous things like someone stealing her hairstyle repeatedly telling herself how no one understands her and that she’s so misunderstood. Annoying. I don’t deserve to be taken seriously. If you read that and thought “man, I just recently told Jennifer how I totally get what she’s feeling, but I was just trying to be nice and let her know that I’m here for her” please don’t feel bad. That’s not it at all. I don’t know where I’m going with this so I’m just going to stop.


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