Day Twenty-Seven

It is 2:01 in the morning, and I am just getting around to posting (thank you for the reminder, sir). I haven’t been exceptionally busy today just ridiculously unmotivated to post and have been putting it off all night.

It’s easy for me to get caught up in my life and the bad things that happen and the hard times that make being hopeful very difficult. It has been easy for me to complain, to feel very alone, to hate, to give up, to make excuses, and to not care about anything and anyone when times get hard. I’ve realized that bad things have to happen, that bad things are out of our control most of the time and if it was as easy as willing them away, we’d never have bad things happen. I’ve realized that I can wake up everyday and tell myself I will have a good day and if I firmly believe it, no one can take away that hope of a good day. I’ve realized that I have amazingly wonderful, selfless, giving, humble, beautiful, and fantastic people in my life. I’ve learned so much about the young woman I’ve become, the priorities I want to have, and where I want to be. I’ve realized what being alive should feel like and that feeling wasn’t catalyzed by any one person, any one instance, any one day, but a decision and a change of heart on my part. Simply being alive should be good enough, blessing enough to make every bad thing that could happen during the course of my day not matter.

I wrote this back in April and come back to it every time I feel the way I do currently. It hurts to know that girl and know this one right now. But what about the bad things that don’t have to happen? What about the ones that are in my control? That are completely my fault? That are a result of my own choice, not my ignorance, my choice to be selfish? What about those? I can’t pretend. I can’t shrug them off and say, “well, tomorrow’s a new day” and that’s it. It’s not that easy. It’s not supposed to be easy, but that girl makes it seem that way. She makes it seem like everything should be just dandy all the time. It’s not.


One thought on “Day Twenty-Seven

  1. stphn plc says:

    Its not like you’re waking up every day making a conscious choice to be selfish, and if you realize that you make a decision for the wrong reasons you can make a conscious effort not to do it again. You’re right, its not supposed to be easy, and would you really want it to be?

    Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
    Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?
    Dwayne: He’s the guy you teach.
    Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he’s also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, ’cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn’t learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you’re 18… Ah, think of the suffering you’re gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don’t get better suffering than that.

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