Day Twenty (Second Post)

I’ve decided that the format I have chosen above is how I will title my blog posts from now on when I write a second blog for that day. I forgot to address how exciting it makes me that I’ve written a post everyday for twenty days. Little milestone. It’s exciting!

That’s not why I’m writing this. I found something today which I think is pretty cool. When I was twelve, I wrote in one of those prompted journals that every girl had at one point in their life. It would ask you things about yourself, likes and dislikes, about your friends and your family, various things. But I wrote in a bunch of them over the years. Pre-teen girls are generally self-absorbed and like to answer all sorts of questions about themselves, and I was no exception. One in particular I stumbled upon over the years and re-wrote in with different colored pens and signed and dated them with my age at the time. So it has responses from a few different times in my life which is cool to reflect on now. The growth and maturity is evident just in my handwriting, not to mention everything else. The book is pretty cool because it has questions that really require some reflection, especially as a twelve year old when I first wrote in it. Something I’ve realized from flipping through the pages of it is that I’ve changed quite a bit, but there are a few things that have remained very true over this entire period of time. I wrote that I set very high standards for myself, that my faith challenges me, that my education offers me the freedom to think, that one of my favorite musicians is Bryce Avary, that I adore Monet, that I admire people who don’t care what other people think about them, that my favorite person to shop with is my sister, and that I believe every person has the right to life. At the end of the book there’s a little pocket and a letter that says “Dear Future Me…” blah, cutey stuff, blah, and then a place for you to sign, which I did, with my age (twelve) so that I knew when I stumbled across it when I wrote it. And then you were to put other things in the pocket/envelope to help the future you remember the younger version of yourself. It appears as though I had written something at one time but ripped it up as the pieces are in the envelop. But, what I found besides that, and the point of this post, is a letter from fifteen year-old Jennifer. The following is what I wrote, with some editing so as not to embarrass myself too much.

Dear Future Jennifer Marie Lioy,
It’s kinda scary to see who I was just three years ago. But it’s also exciting to see how I’ve grown and how fast I’ve changed. I’ve learned a lot. So, hopefully in three years, when I’m packing to go off to college, I’ll find this and remember who that girl was [at age twelve] and who I am today [as a fifteen year-old recognizing her already immense change]. September 3rd, 2007. 3:27 p.m. Age fifteen. Right now in my life…let’s see. I am a high schooler at Denton High, but I wouldn’t say school is my top priority. It’s taken me a while to figure this out, but I finally think I’ve placed God in my number one slot. I’m so much happier now and it’s amazing. I have low self-esteem and care way too much about how I look. I don’t know who I am; still working on that one. If there is anything I can hope for the future me is that if I get lost, that I have the will to find myself again. I hope that I learn to love myself, that I learn who I am and love that person for all that she is.

It’s cool that I kind of knew myself well enough to know how much I love finding and writing things like this. It’s cool that I knew I would find it at this point in my life too. Crazy. Thinking back to that year in my life, I realize the time of year when I wrote that, September specifically. My post-ACTS retreat high is evident for sure. It’s hard seeing that and wanting that relationship again. I’m definitely not there right now and that’s hard to admit for sure. It’s not for lack of desire. I don’t know what it’s due to lack of, maybe just an excess amount of fear and selfishness on my part. It’s hard and it’s been quite hard lately. I don’t think I know myself very well, but what I do know is that my faith is essential to who I am. It’s the one thing I’m confident is a big part of my being, without any doubt. So it hurts to be missing that and to admit that rebuilding and mending isn’t easy. I don’t write this hoping for anything but understanding. I like to think I at least aim to guarantee honesty, so that’s what this is. I love that I have this and that I have you all and that I feel like I can say all of these things, which are very hard for me to say, without anxiety of your judgement or anything. I appreciate all of you for that more than I could express here or even over a snow cone.

Turn look, look out and see.
Do you see me? Cause I think I see you.
I’ve been some other place.
The wind that I chase, it all just leads back to you.
Oh how I’m still, so still it’s sobering, but still I ran.
I knew you when I was young, but where am I now
That I’m a man?

Run to you, I will run, I will run
I will move, right on through all these things I have done.
And you’ll take me back, I don’t know why.
I wanna say I’ll never do it again, but I can’t
But I will try.

Turn and look, look out and see.
Do you see me? Cause I think I see you.
I’ve been some other place.
The wind that I chase it all just leads back to you.
Oh how I miss what you miss, but I will fall time and again.
And I will say, that I’m true to you, but I’m a cheat.
I don’t understand.

So I’ll run to you, I will run, I will run
I will move, right on through all these things I have done.
And you’ll take me back, I don’t know why.
I wanna say I’ll never do it again, but I can’t
I wanna say I’ll never do it again, but I can’t
I wanna say I’ll never do it again, but I can’t
But I will try.

I forgot that this wasn’t the point of my post, it just became that as I typed away. I’m going to save the rest of this for tomorrow’s post seeing as my word count is telling me that I’ve written over twelve-hundred words here and it’s probably overwhelming enough as it is. So, look to tomorrow’s extension of this post saying what I meant to say when I got around to posting and didn’t get a chance to.

Oh, and thanks for being a part of my life. I didn’t tell anyone that today and it’s a shame because I appreciate each of you enough to thank you every single day for simply caring about me. So, thank you.


2 thoughts on “Day Twenty (Second Post)

  1. Julia Moen says:

    I very much appreciated this post. I appreciate your honesty. I don’t have much to say right now, but after some reflection, I might come back with another comment 😉

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