Reflection

Day Thirteen

I love cloudy days of summer more than most things. It’s a wonderful break from the sunshine and if it could rain just a bit, I’d be quite pleased. I apologize for not having anything too interesting to share with you currently. I do have something important to write about but haven’t built up the courage to do so yet. I’ll do my best. Today I’m content with my day. I just had my first perfect summer tomato. Oh, and I may need some of your help shooting a video within the week or next couple of weeks. I’ll let you know if I do. I promise it won’t be anything stupid.

This is another one of my usually failing attempts to have a valid discussion via my blog regarding a topic I present. We’ll give it a shot though. I’d like you to provide your thoughts please, regardless of who you are and your relation to me. Ready, go.

I find myself striving to be a certain way, act a certain way, say certain things, like certain things, be a certain person for someone. Whether I want them to think of me a certain way or I want them to generally accept me, I find myself wanting to change for them. I’m not someone who can just pretend to be a certain way, at least not with relative ease. More often, I’ll justify trying to change who I am instead of pretending, or I try to reconcile that I’m not and never will be that person for them. I can’t say I’ve ever wanted to change someone. I’ve never wanted someone to change for me, like the things I do or be a certain way and I’m not sure that anyone does this, but somehow it’s so easy to convince myself that I have to change for someone else. I guess it goes back to insecurity. If I was confident and secure enough with the person I am maybe I would be confident that I, myself, am good enough exactly the way I am. But sometimes, I think that it’s circumstances exactly like this, where you meet someone whose friendship, care, love, whatever, is enough for you to want to change yourself, are opportunities for growth. That maybe it’s people like this who make you strive to be a better person and influence the person you will become. Change for the better isn’t a bad thing, is it? Better according to whose standards though? And where do you draw the line that determines at what point you’re compromising your individuality?

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2 thoughts on “Day Thirteen

  1. Sara says:

    I have to say I’ve felt this basically a lot. I’ve moved numerous numerous numerous times, so I tend to adjust how I act to fit into the mold. I pretend I’m fine with my friends’ substance abuse. I join in on bashing people. Especially when I like a boy, I’ll adopt even his worst habits so that he’ll like me more, like apathy or cruelty.

    But even worse is that I realize my actions and that they’re not true to my nature and I’ll try to justify them anyway.
    Well it’s their choice, who am I to judge. I’m just voicing my opinions, it’s really more like venting which is healthy. Why should I care so much about people who don’t even know if there is an h on my name or not. Their actions warrant cruel behavior.

    But really it just takes me reducing myself to the most simple of elements. I clean the kitchen and make dinner for my family. I sit in the sunshine with my puppy. I go for a walk looking for a lost cellphone in the dark. And just doing the things most true to myself allows me to have the perspective to realize I’m not changing to better myself, I’m changing to be better liked. So just revert to the things that make you you, and you will instinctively know whether you are making your changes for the right or wrong reasons.

    • Jennifer Lioy says:

      Thanks for sharing, dear. Sometimes I wonder how well I really know myself though, you know? Some days I feel as though I do, but more often then not, I’m not so sure. I know the person I want to be but I’m not always so sure of where my own personal ideal comes from. I get scrambled by all of the things I want to be for everyone else and sometimes I’m not so sure I’ve done a very good job of learning what makes me me. I feel like people that know me, or at least think they know me, could point out numerous things that make me as an individual but I usually can’t. And when I change for people, it’s very rarely to something bad, it’s just someone different.

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