I’ve sat in front of my computer, eyes to screen, hands to keyboard, ready to type away for hours with many words. There’s not an absence of thoughts, by any means, just not the right ones. I guess, all I have to say is that I’m okay and not okay at the same time. My days are grand and filled with beautiful people, but somehow, I’m still not as okay as I want to be. It’s odd aiming for ‘okay,’ but that’s how it is. I want to be confident and feel loved. I want to be proud and feel contentment. I don’t want to have artificial relationships. I don’t want to feel obligated to be better than everyone to gain happiness. I don’t want artificial happiness that is merely temporary and blind. I want to believe in myself and where I’m going. I believe that, today, I need a hug. I need a real hug. I don’t need a wimpy, obligatory, friendly greeting, useless hug. I need a real hug. An ‘I care about you and know that this is what you need, right now, from me and no one else’ hug. I suppose I just miss people. I miss having someone. I have friends. I have people that care about me. I don’t have a go-to. I don’t have my ‘person’ and i need a ‘person’. I know that’s silly, but there it is.
“After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own. But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think life and circumstance have forced us truly to become an adult, your mother says something like that. We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But, for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.”