And here it is, the post-retreat blog. I write one of these after every retreat I do. It’s neat to see where I was before and the change that takes place after just a few short days. I just looked back at my post-Teen ACTS post (that I had to hunt for on my old myspace, how lame, know. Myspace. Haha). I was so glad I went and looked for it though because I found this:
“i’ll stop loving you when diamonds never sparkle, and flowers cease to grow, when thunder doesnt echo, and rivers do not flow, when heart no longer wonder, and hands are never held, when smiles are only memories, and hope is never felt, when trees no longer blossom, and the stars refuse to shine, when autumn has no falling leaves, and winter no longer dies, when time has no more tomorrows, and rainbows have no hue, then i’ll stop loving you.”
I love this, maybe more than you would think. It’s just simple and real and beautiful and describes unconditional love in a tangible sense. Colorless rainbows, a world without love: both completely impossible to imagine.
Anyways, the thing that distinguishes retreats from others is not what you do or who you meet or how you feel afterwards, but how you felt going in to the retreat. How much you needed it. I can very honestly say I haven’t gone into a retreat as low as I was friday. I’ve never not wanted to be around those beautiful people praising and worshiping and being with and for Christ. But friday, I did not.
I realize that this was all His work, and for that I am immeasurably thankful. I realize that when I’m weak in my faith, I’m weak in myself. I lose myself. I lose the part of me that I love most. I give in to mediocrity, the thing I fear most. This is one of those moments where my pride for being Catholic and a young woman of faith is so great that I want to shout it out to the world. I was telling someone very dear that I feel like I could conquer the world with Christ and love. A truly grace-filled weekend. To you, my friends and my family, thank you.
And to end the post, song lyrics to a song I never was able to hold on to. It was recorded but never released. And the band broke up, much to my disappointment. But to you, Varnadore, you should know I still reference these very song lyrics to a song I will never have.
Love to all.
Today, my glass is half full, my jar, however, is completely clear and overflowing.
“We are all the same Searching for what makes us happy. But somewhere along the way, We lost our place And we have come to find That we cannot replace This love That never runs away. You are the one who died So we could call Your name. So what are we waiting for. He is love He is joy He endures and never lets go He forgives all our wrongs He will save and never let go. Should we deceive ourselves. Should we push away all these problems. Oh and if we are deprived of peace, Can we stand on our own Or should we come to find That we cannot replace This love That never runs away. You are the one who died So we could call Your name. So what are we waiting for
Only You can satisfy.”